Last Updated on June 25, 2023 by Fumipets
All Dogs Go to Heaven: Unlocking the Divine Loophole through Dachshund Impersonation
Discover the Secret to Eternal Paradise: Embracing Life as a Dachshund
Dogs hold a special place in the heart of the Almighty, and their exclusive invitation to enter the gates of Heaven remains unparalleled. Among all creatures, canines have been blessed with the assurance that each and every one of them, without exception, will find themselves in the divine presence. It’s an incredible deal for a species that already revels in public crotch-sniffing!
But instead of engaging in a debate about whether all dogs should be Heaven-bound or if some deserve to languish in the depths of Hell, eternally distant from God’s grace, we’re here to guide you on how to live life as a dachshund. By mastering the art of impersonation, you’ll be well on your way to embracing eternity in Heavenly bliss, even in the face of your own grotesque sins.
DO: Stay Low to the Ground, Always
To convince the Almighty that you are indeed a dog and should be exempt from the consequences of your debauched existence, you must adopt a perpetual, four-legged posture—just like a dachshund. It may take some getting used to, but the alternative is eternal damnation, particularly considering the shenanigans you pulled off in Vegas!
DO: Invest in High-Quality Artificial Ears
One distinguishing feature of dachshunds is their floppy, “drop” ears, which shield them from dirt and debris. Acquiring a pair of high-quality, realistic artificial ears (preferably made from genuine fur) is crucial, especially if you frequently find bodily fluids invading your ear canal due to peculiar proclivities. Trust us, you don’t want that to jeopardize your passage through the Pearly Gates, especially while engaging in rampant tax fraud.
DON’T: Accidentally Speak—Bark in German Instead
Under no circumstances should you inadvertently utter human words, betraying your sinful nature. Instead, bark with the distinct Teutonic tonality expected of dachshunds. It might be beneficial to join a German puppy play polycule to perfect this skill, particularly if you aspire to enter Paradise while engaging in every form of mischief, all while maintaining impeccable German syntax.
DO: Take on Badgers Fearlessly
Originally bred to flush out badgers from their subterranean dwellings, dachshunds possess a distinctive elongated body shape. In order to perpetuate the illusion of being a genuine canine and escape eternal damnation for indulging in every imaginable perversion (yes, we’re aware of the ice cream incident), it’s imperative that you confront and conquer badgers with tenacity.
DO: Master the Art of Soulful, Pleading Eyes
Dachshunds possess those irresistibly soulful, pleading eyes that compel humans to offer them anything, from delectable treats to an unquestioned entry into eternal paradise. Ensure you cultivate and display those captivating orbs if you seek to sway the Heavenly gates in your favor.
DON’T: Strike a Bargain with Satan
At times, maintaining the dachshund lifestyle may present challenges. However, resist the temptation to strike a swift deal with the Devil himself. History has shown that such arrangements always end disastrously. Stay committed to the dog persona and embrace the path to everlasting bliss.